BEARMAGEDDON

 Two posts in one day!?!?  Well, this second one is cheating, because it's simple the opening act of:

BEARMAGEDDON

 

JACKSON G. & JOHN S.    

 

 

MAIN CHARACTERS:

 

R.GRANT HAWTHORNE III: Grant is the 48 year old CEO and PRESIDENT of DYNARANGE INDUSTRIES, a multinational corporation heavily invested in tech.  He is a 6’3” caucasian, with a lean body, salt & pepper hair, narrow cheeks and intense grayish eyes.

 

DANE CHOWCLOUGH: Dane is the 42 year old OWNER/OPERATOR of OUTDOOR SPECIALITIES INC., a sporting goods store specializing in hunting/fishing supplies, including a private range for guided squirrel hunts.  Dane is a 5’10” caucasian and overweight, but powerfully built.  He has ginger hair and a massive ginger beard.

 

TEAK GRISTLE: Teak is a 37 year old hairdresser at SUPERCUTS.  He is a 5’9” caucasian with an unexceptional build, abnormally strong forearms, a Roman nose, green eyes, dirty blonde hair, and a thin goatee.

 

DAMION HOPKINS:  Damion is the 38 year old WEATHERMAN for WRGH TV.  He is a 6’0” African-american with a fit build, and closely cropped black hair.

 

HARRY FONDDIEU:  Harry is the 29 year old BROTHER-IN-LAW of DANE CHOWCLOUGH.  He has short-cropped brown hair, a well trimmed beard, a square jaw, and brown eyes.  He wears a red checkered flannel shirt over a Hard-Rock Café / Las Vegas T-shirt.

 

NILS MCKRACKEN:  Nils is a 85 year old HERMIT.  He is a 5’5” Caucasian with pale blue eyes, long wispy white hair and beard, and a prominent red nose.

 

MEGA-GRIZZLY:  Mega-Grizzly is 11’ tall, 900lbs and scary looking.

 

THE GREAT WHITE MALLARD:  The Great White Mallard is a very large specimen of a mallard duck, but very pale in color (almost white)

 

 

MINOR CHARACTERS:

 

GEORGE SMITH: George Smith is the HELICOPTER PILOT for R.GRANT HAWTHORNE III.  He wears a black jumpsuit and helmet so you can only see the lower part of his face.

 

KARATE TOM: A KUNG-FU INSTRUCTOR, wears a white Gi with the insignia of his Dojo

 

COWBOY TIMMINS: A RODEO HAND and ACTUAL COWBOY, dressed like a cowboy, with six-shooters and a lever-action rifle.

 

BROTHER FRANK: A CAPUCHIN MONK, trained in hand-to-hand fighting, he wears a brown robe and carries a bo-staff.

 

CHIEF GREYHAWK: A CHEROKEE INDIAN, dresses in buckskin, carries a large Bowie Knife

 

DAVE RANDOM: A BEST-BUY CLERK, wears a blue polo shirt and Dockers.  Has no weapons.

 

GOODMAN O’LUCKY: An ABORIGINAL AUSTRALIAN, wears a loin-cloth, has paint-decorated skin, wields a boomerang and a digeridoo that can lull animals to sleep.

 

DONNIE BOTTICELLI: An ITALIAN HIT-MAN, dressed in a dark suit and fedora.  Armed with a snub-nosed S&W chief-special.

 

 

 

SCENE ONE:

 

A flyover shot of the Rocky Mountains – pine trees stretching endlessly, with a road cut through the forest.  Possibly stolen footage from THE SHINING.  Opening credits.  Music by Barry Manilow.

 

Camera pans-up from a gravel parking lot to reveal GRANT, DANE, TEAK and DAMION standing next to the lowered tailgate of a gray DODGE RAM 4x4 Crew Cab.  Various hunting gear is in the back of the truck bed.

 

GRANT: “Are you sure you can put us on the game trail?”

 

DANE: “Damn right.  I been guidin’ hunts longer’n this boy’s been snappin’ towels”. DANE gestures at TEAK.

 

GRANT: “Well, I’m not sure what that means, but you came recommended.  Teak, Damion, are you ready.”

 

TEAK & DAMION (Together) “Yeah!”

 

GRANT: “All right then”

 

GRANT walks around to the driver’s side door, where the window is rolled down and we see HARRY FONDDIEU.

 

GRANT: “Harry, just wait for our call and then pick us up on the old logging road”

 

HARRY: “You got it, Mr. Hawthorne.”

 

GRANT: “Oh, and, Harry…”

 

HARRY: “Yes Mr. Hawthorne?”

GRANT: “You might just bring along a 12-back of PBR… cold, mind you.”

 

HARRY: “Anything you say, Mr. Hawthorne.”

 

GRANT: “Let’s roll!”

 

GRANT, DANE, TEAK, and DAMION grab rifles out of the back of the truck bed and sling them over their shoulders.  DANE, TEAK, and DAMION are wearing camouflage, all are of different patterns (mossy oak timber, realtree, natural gear, etc).  Each also has a ruck-sack and a walkie-talkie.  GRANT is distinguished from the others by his high brown leather riding boots, tan-colored corduroy pants, and forest-green shooting jacket with brown leather patches on the elbows, and padded shoulder.  GRANT and TEAK get into one side-by-side and DANE and DAMION get into another.  DANE drives off onto a trail out of the parking lot and into the woods.

 

PERSONAL EXPOSITION: As they drive along, the men enter into conversation.  Despite the fact that we saw GRANT and TEAK in one side-by-side, and DANE and DAMION in another, during the following conversations, their positions in the two vehicles change from shot to shot.

 

TEAK: “It sure was nice of you to invite me on this hunting trip, Mr. Hawthorne.  I mean, it’s not often that a big CEO of a multibillion dollar tech firm will invite a guy hunting, just because he cuts his hair.  I mean, I guess I never even saw a big CEO come into Supercuts until you did.  Thanks a lot, Mr. Hawthorne.”

 

GRANT: “You might not thank me if we don’t see any game today.”

 

[both men laugh]

 

GRANT: “But seriously, Teak, you’ll find I’m not like other CEO’s of multibillion dollar tech companies.  When I founded Dynarange, it wasn’t just to make money, it was to make a difference.  And I find that, living in my mansion, I’ve lost touch with the regular guy.  The kind of guy that I used to be.  It’s like my grand-dad used to say – the wind can blow across an entire country, but it’s still the same wind.  That’s how I think of myself, Teak.  Like the wind.”

 

DAMION: “Did somebody say wind?  I see a cold front moving in from the plains and that’s going to bring in some fast moving air.”

 

[everyone laughs]

 

GRANT: “That’s what I get for inviting a meteorologist on this little hunting trip.”

 

DAMION [chuckling]: “Thanks for the compliment, Grant, but I’m really just a weatherman.  No high-fallutin’ meteorology degree for me.”

 

DANE: “Hey, a least you reckon’ you’re just a TV personality, and not one of them scientist people like that guy on the Weather Channel, pertending that he knows what the weather’s gonna do when we all know damn well ain’t none-of-em do.”

 

GRANT: “Slow down there, Mr. Chowclough – no need to ruffle Damion’s feathers.  I might take it a little more carefully – Damion Hopkins was the hardest hitting defensive back that the PAC-12 ever saw, before he became a weatherman.  I’d lay good odds that he could still deliver a mean tackle.”

 

DANE: “Hey, hey, no offense.  Look, I’m just a dumb old redneck running a sporting goods store and guide service.  If I wanna know the weather, I look at one of them wooly-worms or my weather stone.”

 

DAMION: “Weather stone?  I’d like to know more about that.”

 

DANE: “Well, ya’ see, I hang this rock from a tree branch and it tells me the weather.  If it’s swingin’ back & forth, I know there’s gonna be wind.  If it’s wet, I know it’s a rainin’.  If there’s snow on it, well, you can count on snow…”

 

[everyone laughs]

 

GRANT: “I hope you’re as good at finding game as you are at spinning yarns, Mr. Chowclough.”

 

MONTAGE: The side-by-sides driving down trails, up trails, through streams.  Shots of each of the four men stalking through the trees with their guns at the ready.  In some shots, they have deer-rifles, in others they have crossbows, shotguns, or assault rifles.  There is no explanation for why their weapons keep changing.  Occasional shot of DANE bending over, picking up some dirt and sniffing it, picking up a brown nugget of something and licking it, putting his finger in the air to sense the wind, sniffing the air, etc.  Time-lapse shot of the sun going past noon and shadows lengthening.

 

GRANT: “Well, Mr. Chowclough, you were pretty confident you could put us on our prey.”

 

DANE: “Dammit Mr. Hawthorne, I just don’t know what’s got into ‘em.  We oughta have seen a half-dozen on these here game trails.  I done all the trackin’ I could but I ain’t been able to find no signs that ain’t a week old.  It ain’t natural.”

 

TEAK: “Do you hunt bear often, Dane?”

 

DANE: “Not as often as other critters, but often enough.”

 

The four men have paused at the edge of a large clearing – apparently a meadow that has not returned back to the forest.  They have a clear line of sight to where the forest resumes, about four-hundred yards away, where the trees abruptly begin and climb into a range of mountains.

 

TEAK: “Do you think a call might help?”

 

DANE: “Whaddya mean, a call?”

 

TEAK: “Well, when Mr. Hawthorne invited me bear hunting, I went on the internet and ordered this Indian bear call.”

 

GRANT: “What’s this?  Where is this bear call?”

 

TEAK: “It’s right here in this package – I haven’t opened it yet.”

 

TEAK pulls a rectangular thin-cardboard box out of his rucksack.  Along one side of the box is written: “BEAR CALL.”  He hands it to GRANT.

 

GRANT: “Well, Teak…”

 

TEAK: “Yes Mr. Hawthorne?”

 

GRANT: “You were right to call it an Indian Bear call.  Right here on the box it says ‘made in India.”

 

[everyone laughs]

 

DANE: “Lemme see that.”

 

GRANT hands him the box and DANE opens it, sliding out a blue plastic tube that has been pushed through two slits cut into a construction-paper cutout of a bear.  The tube is about six-inches long and has a couple of holes cut in it like a flute.  DANE’s mouth drops open.  Everyone (except for TEAK) stares at it before bursting out laughing.  DANE slaps TEAK on the back.

 

DANE: “How embarrassing!”

 

DAMION: “I bet it barely works!”

 

GRANT: “If you want your money back, you’ll have to engage a barrister.”

 

TEAK: “Alright, very funny guys.”

 

TEAK picks up the tube from where DANE has dropped it in the dirt.  While the others are bent over with hilarity, TEAK lifts the tube to his lips and blows into it.  A high-pitch, awful sound comes from it, like someone playing a recorder-badly.  This makes the other three laugh all the more.  TEAK puts the tube in his jacket pocket.

 

TEAK: “Seriously guys?”

 

The others slowly stop laughing, and DANE stands up, wiping tears from his eyes.  Then he stops, looking across the pasture.

 

DANE: “Mr. Hawthorne,”

 

GRANT: “Yes, Dane”

 

DANE: “Look!”

 

DANE is pointing across the pasture.  At the far end, (roughly four-hundred yards away), the leaves of a single tree are shaking.

 

DANE: “Ya see – that there’s what them there bears go and do when they’re scratchin’ themselves on a tree.  I’d betcha dollars to donuts that there’s a bear there at the bottom of that tree, just a scratchin’!”

 

GRANT: “Well done, Dane.  We should start our approach by…”

 

TEAK: “Look there!  Another one”

 

To the right of the first tree, another is shaking, the silvery underbellies of its leaves flashing about.  

 

DAMION: “And another!”

 

DANE: “Damn!  All of ‘ems shakin!”

 

Sure enough, it is as if the entire forest has come alive.  Flyover shot of the trees across the pasture shaking as if a wind is blowing through the entire forest.