Not too long before the symptoms began (which ultimately led to the cancer diagnosis), I was longing for the spiritual maturity that I had several years ago. My takeaway from the years of trial that culminated in my first wife's death was that "suffering is the most valuable thing that nobody wants."
Including me. Just a few weeks ago, I remember praying "God please bring me closer to you, but not through suffering!" The last few years for me have been very good. Of course, not without trials, and with a level of day-to-day stress associated with my company that has often been staggering. But overall, I have an almost-profitable business working with great people, with a reasonably good potential for future growth, a wonderful family, both close and extended. I live in a very nice house in a good area of a nice city. I've gotten to go snowboarding and kneeboarding and mountain biking, annual trips to the beach, occasional trips to Europe. While I have had struggles with health in other areas, it hasn't been debilitating or particularly painful.
But over those same years, I drifted away from where I was in 2005 - a time where I could confidently say that I was ready to die. Not that the world at that time didn't offer anything to me - but that I was certain that the next world was infinitely better. I prayed the rosary constantly, read scripture and theology and mysticism and spirituality. I attended mass as often as I could - sometimes several times a week. I went to confession regularly, I studied Latin and listened to chant & Palestrina on my car stereo.
And slowly, the things of this world started to intrude. I spent more time worrying about work, and juggling being a single parent. I slowly stopped listening to religious music. The Rosary became a rarer and rarer devotion. Daily mass faded to weekly mass & holy days. I often ate meat on Fridays without the compensating penance or act of corporal mercy.
And, of course, I met a wonderful woman, whose spirituality was as ascendant as mine was descendant. To some extent, I let her spiritual growth compensate for my slow turn toward the world. So while thanking God for my new wife and new family and new life, I continued to drift away.
From my current perspective, one thing seems clear - I am not mature or disciplined enough to approach God without being prompted by suffering. Now, I'm not saying "God gave me cancer" - cancer, like all disease, is in this world because it is a fallen world. Cancer belongs to entropy.
What I'm saying is that this is an opportunity, and I intend to seize it. If suffering brings me closer to God, well, here's a chance to suffer. Here is a gift; without discipline, the flesh is mortified. Suffering can be wasted or salvific, and I don't intend that whatever suffering comes my way will be wasted. "United to the suffering Body of Christ..." I want to better understand what that means. While this cancer certainly isn't voluntary, and I'm not taking the sins of others onto myself, surely there is opportunity for communion in Christ's suffering.
Of course, this is all really easy to say right now. Other than some middling discomfort, I haven't begun to taste the cup of physical suffering that I'm assured will come. And, frankly, I'm erring toward the sin of presumption rather than the sin of despair, so the psychological suffering is heavily mitigated by my confidence that I'll come through this OK.
I don't expect to be suddenly raised back to where I was in 2005. I'm already struggling with devotions. The chant and Palestrina hasn't resurfaced in my daily listening. And I'm reading cheap science fiction instead of GK Chesterton and Cardinal Ratzinger.
And I recognize that this is all much easier to say, and to believe, while this suffering is internal and relatively mild. So far, this hasn't hurt my family that much. Sure my parents and siblings are shocked and scared. My wife, as strong as she is being for me, is still facing an awful prospect that even if I make it through the next year, it's going to be a terrible year.
But there's a lot of bad stuff that can still happen that could overflow and extend the suffering to my wife, kids, family, etc., in ways that make their suffering more personal. Specifically, I could become debilitated to where I couldn't work - couldn't help around the house - couldn't hold my kids. I could lose my job and with it my insurance. I could lose my company through lack of contribution to it's survival (I think I have some value to the company, consequently, I have to believe that there is some threat to it in my absence). And if the company goes under, well, there goes the jobs and benefits for another 15 people and their families.
So today my prayer is a little different from just a few weeks ago; "God, grant that this suffering may unite me to Christ, and let this burden fall upon me alone."
