Poetry: There's a Mass Up My Ass, Parts I, II, and III

There’s a Mass Up My Ass

Part One: The General Practitioner

Say there young patient

What could you be needin’

To tell the truth Doc

I’ve had unusual bleedin’

To help all my patients

Is always my mission

You know what to do

Assume the position…

Well my young patient

I don’t meet to be crass

In technical terms

You’ve a mass up your ass

A mass up my ass?

How could it be so?

For I’ve never put things

Where the sunshine don’t go.

Now don’t be concerned

And don’t get upset

For there’s lots of conditions

That I haven’t seen yet

Just make an appointment

With my specialist friend

And we’ll figure out

What’s up your rear end

Part Two: GI Specialist

My friend the GP

Has sent me your file

Now let’s have a look

Bend over and smile

Tell me something Doc

Now I might be wrong

Could it be that your finger

Is exceptionally long?

When I feel up your bottom

One thing comes to mind

That the mass up your ass

Is the cancerous kind

But let us be sure!

Let’s close this case shut!

I’d like the chance

To stick a probe up your butt

Colonoscopic biopsy?

My case I won’t plead

But when you put me to sleep

Versed’s what I need.

Part Three: The Colonoscopy

Good morning young man

We’re the endoscope crew

We’ll meet all your needs

And stick things into you

I don’t mean to complain

I don’t mean to nitpick

But if I don’t get Versed

I’ll become quite the dick

Propofol is for you

The anesthetists say

We’ll put you to sleep

The Neverland way

Now roll on your side

And let your fears melt

And awake with a feeling

Richard Gere has oft’ felt

Before I pass out
(which is clearly your aim)

I’d like to point out

That Propofol’s lame

Where am I at?

In what city, state, nation?

And why does my ass

Have this burning sensation?

We’re glad you’ve come ‘round

Let’s not be demure

The mass up your ass

Is cancer for sure

The tumorous details

We must hasten to see

So the only prescription

Is tomography

Now if I’m not wrong

A PET scan’s what you’ve said

And I’ll gladly submit

Just give me Versed!