Diagnosis +173, Post-op 33, Chemo Day 1

Aaargh!  Friggin' pain in the ass won't stop.  Down to one or two hydrocodone per day, gobbling Advil by the handful - rarely get any serious relief.   Still hurts to sit down (well - it's uncomfortable to sit down), but tired of standing up, kneeling or lying down.

Had the first day of chemo and wrote this letter:

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Dear chemo,

I apologize for saying that it was going to be a piece of cake to do you for the next four months.  I see now that you are not to be taken lightly, and that I'm not going to "make you my bitch," as I may have flippantly suggested.

Best regards,

John
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This friggin' port they installed in my shoulder is driving me crazy.  There's no getting away from this eerie lump under my collarbone, and now there is a needle & IV installed into it, along with a long IV cord attached to a pump the size of an Apple Newton that dangles in a man-bag from my shoulder.  The IV cord is perpetually getting in my way and the damn pump keeps wanting to slide off of my shoulder.

I feel weird.  Not necessarily nauseated but definitely weird.  They warned me that I was going to have heightened sensitivity to cold in my finger tips and toes, etc.  They may have also mentioned that I would want to avoid cold beverages.  I, of course, said "fuck-it!" and asked Elizabeth to bring me a bowl of ice cream when I got home.

The pain in my tongue that blossomed out when the ice cream hit my mouth would have to be felt to be believed.  Of course, being stubborn, I had to eat the entire spoonful, and I felt that ice cream all the way down.  This is a damn same because when I have been waking up in the middle of the night (thanks to ass-pain), I have idled away a good 10 minutes by enjoying individual ice-cream servings while quietly pacing the house.  Oh well - gonna have to find some other source of calcium and comfort.

The worst part is psychological.  I have felt like I've been getting my life back a little bit - braving car trips, a little bit of time in the office, going to mass and going out in public.  This feels like a step back.  I have this friggin' pump to drag around now, and now I can't enjoy any cold beverages or ice cream.  Every two weeks I've got to go sit in a chair for 1/2 day while they pump in various noxious chemicals.

Do you get the idea that I'm feeling sorry for myself?  Well, you're right.