Hair today, gone tomorrow

So I thought I was going to get out of this cancer thing with no hair loss (on top... The radiation had a certain depiilatory effect on my nether regions... TMI).  Yesterday I suddenly had a sink full of hair after taking a shower.  And then today there was much more.  I wasn't concerned about losing my hair until it started happening.  After a hard shock, I'm reconciled to it- I've got a lot of hair to lose, so maybe it won't be too bad.  In any case, I now have tremendous sympathy for kids and women, for whom hair loss has to be much more devastating.

Other than exhaustion, most other symptoms are mild. Benedryl takes care of the itching, no real nausea, and Zofran takes care of the little of that.  I haven't been sleeping well, but that's not new.  The hardest part is just being wiped out and knowing that the cumulative effects will just get worse.  Psychologically, this is as hard as anything before it.  I think it's knowing that the cancer is gone, but I feel like I'm fighting chemo and not fighting cancer.  I'm dreading the next round.  Ugh.  Six more cycles.

I've mentioned before how I identified with the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary.  I equated the Agony in the Garden with the diagnosis, the Scourging at the Pillar with radiation, the Crowning with Thorns with the surgery, and I thought the Carrying of the Cross was going to be the remainder of my life living with the consequences of the surgery.  Now I look at chemo as the Via Dolerosa.  In Mel Gibson's Passion, it's almost unbearable to watch Christ's repeated falls, and the tremendous distance He has to cross before reaching Calvary.  The Chemo road feels like that - stretching on forever.  I'm 1/4 done with treatments, and there's no Calvary waiting at the end.  But poor me!  Lord you are my hope and my salvation.  Help me embrace my cross.